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My 5 outlandish tips for sleeping

For as long as I can remember, it’s always taken me 1 to 2 hours to fall asleep.  I was so jealous of friends in college that could pass out in minutes.  Leaving the rest of us to deal with obnoxious snoring.  I’m pleased to write that now I’m the snoring asshole.

I could rattle off a list fof 50 things everyone can do to improve their sleep, but I’m going to list the top 5 that worked for me.  I’m leaving out basic nutrition and avoiding naps because those are the first things you people should be working on.  I try to make my blog posts as original as possible because I hate normal things.  Last time I posted about big data and how soon we’ll have so many options, that “normal” will go away.  People that look down on people for having different taste will be outnumbered.  We’ve all had to deal with those shocked looks of disapproval because we like avocado lemon pepper chocolate popcorn.  We’ll fuck those people.  Once we look at big data it will show just how much people conform to be seen as part of the pack.  Well, gone are the days of small tribes of 150 people (see Dunbar’s principle.  We’re all connected now, bitches.  Well, not really connected well, but loosly connected for sure.

I get way off topic sometimes.  But, I started working on my writing a lot and have learned to not judge a first draft.  The fact that you completed it is the mission.  No matter how mangled and off-subject you might get, just get it out..  We can work on the cosmetics later.  Also, thank God for WordPress’s Drafts feature.  I have like 10 drafts that are just topic subjects with a few notes.  To the cloud!  OK so now, back to sleep.  I mean, the subject of sleep.  Do not go to sleep on me.  The following in countdown format from least helpful to most helpful.  And don’t worry, I’ll be returning to the subject of writing in the future.  Plus, I’m working on a new book!

5.  Pills.  Hey, they work.   I took the Lunesta challenge and tried to masturbate after taking one 30 minutes earlier.  Don’t bother with pills, though.  Actually, get this off the list.  The new #5 is reading and writing.  That means 30 minutes before bed, you get the hell off the INTERNET.  Hell you’re on the net too much anyway and you know it.  Shut your computer down completely.  Go sit and read a physical book, or write in a journal.  Force yourself to do this for a few days until it becomes habit.

4.  A single, really flat pillow.  To be honest, I no longer use pillows.  But it took some time to adjust.  I did so by using a single, flat pillow.  Do not allow women to convince you you need 50 assorted size pillows on your bed.  Get rid of them.  You use 1 and only one.  And then none and only none.

3.  Keep your phone in another room, powered off.  I guess you could leave it on silent, but the trick is you don’t want it to ever distract you.  I don’t care about your bullshit excuse that you live alone or your grandma might call on her deathbed.  You are a responsible person and sleep is important, and grandparents will come and go.  I noticed significant sleep gains once I moved my phone out of my room.

2. Meditate.  OK I lied.  Meditation is #1 but I wanted something really weird for number 1 that I bet a lot of people won’t bother trying.

1.  Remove all Electronics from your bedroom.  Hey my sleep was really bad.  Do you know how frustrating it is to take 4 or 5 hours to fall asleep.  I said I’d try anything.  Everything electronic.  I unplugged my stereo and two lamps.  I didn’t have a television anyways.  Physically removed them.  In addition to my light shattering curtains, I have a near perfect dark room.  Without electronics, your place will look like a cave.  This was the change that my sleep benefited most from (second only to mediation).

Not on the list is don’t exercise within 3 hours of bed time.  But, exercise takes priority, so if that’s a must then get your workout in.  Try to work out earlier in the future.

And guys please share your thoughts or tips in the comment section.  I’d appreciate any feedback as I just started blogging and it helps my writing.


One comment on “My 5 outlandish tips for sleeping

  1. There’s differences in opinion on whether your room should always be completely dark. Not having natural light to wake you up can mess with your sleep quality. I find that having natural light filter through in the morning wakes me up without an alarm, and I feel great. If you want a constantly dark room and still need to reap the benefits of waking via natural light, I suggest getting one of those wake-up lights that gradually gets brighter until you’re awake.

    Nice post.


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